Kirk Nugent

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I wrote this poem about a decade ago in the attempts to examine why it is so difficult for me to let go and allow myself to love, and be loved. In my next few blogs I’ll be dealing (in details) with the issue of how we allow our past to imprison our future happiness. I will also give you some tools to help break this wall that was constructed by fear. As usual, this is given with great love.

My Past Keeps Kicking My Ass

They say that a cow never knows
The use of its tail until he loses it,
And a fool, once he finds love,
Sure as hell abuses it!
Well, I be that fool, and I am that cow,
Because some way, somehow
I find “New and Improved” ways
To destroy the love that we’ve built,
Before you know it, I’m off to the next “Vic”
Leave you standing with the guilt.
I have you thinking that it was something you said
Or maybe even the things that you do,
When, in fact, a fool like me
Doesn’t deserve to be loved by you!

Coming from a past that I can’t seem to get over,
And these demons standing in the way
Won’t allow us to get closer.
My Past Keeps Kicking My Ass
And these demons won’t let me go,
I keep reaching for your love
And my past be like, “Hell No!”
And I can’t remember where this psychosis started,
But check the DNA of my soul
And you’ll find fibers of a broken heart!

Baby, I’m coming from a past
Filled with just too many sorrows,
My demons saw you coming
And they snatched Cupid’s arrows.

My Past Keeps Kicking My Ass
And these demons won’t let me be,
Won’t let you get close to me.
I pray thee
Forgive me,
For changing the course of destiny,
Because I know that you are feeling me.
And I am on bended knees,
With God, I plead
Please release me
And let these demons set me free,
Because we were meant to be!

I’ve been a loner all my life!
Word! I wasn’t looking for no wife,
Or someone to make me feel all warm inside
Rob me of my foolish pride!
Then you said whenever you’re alone
You can smell my cologne.
And I’m thinking, “Damn, baby, how true!”
Because everything reminds me of you!
Or us two,
And the silly things that we do.
Across a crowded room you catch my stare,
And you know, I’m thinking,
I wish these people would just disappear
I swear, I want you here, near.
But my demons are filled with fear!
They’re protecting my heart,
About yours they don’t care.
They’ll do more to avoid pain
Than to gain any pleasure,
So they always find a way to bury my treasure!

As I take my hand and wipe the tears from your eyes,
Because I have no tissue,
I ask, “Why, God?
Why must I come with so many issues?
Why must my past dictate my future?
This woman loves me but you insist that I lose her!”
Our attraction runs far more than the physical,
She moves me on levels far deeper than the spiritual.
She has eyes, eyes for no one but me,
And, at first, I thought it was the bald head,
The goatee…maybe even the poetry!
But it was on a deeper level that she was feeling me!

Your eyes have that divine honesty,
You possess such modesty, but subconsciously,
I don’t think that I deserve you,
So I find new and improved ways to jerk you,
Unnerve you!
Determined not to let YOU and I become WE
But you find new and improved ways to forgive me,
Which leaves me feeling more and more unworthy!
So even though you are here
And I’m feeling you the most,
My past warns not to let you get close.
It questions your every move,
Measure your quality time by the ounce,
It shelters my emotions,
So, it wouldn’t even matter if you decided to bounce!

And you asked, “How can I be so callous,
When deep down you know that I care?”
But I swear, the real question is, my dear…
Can you, who is motivated by love
Reform me, who is motivated by fear?

My Past Keeps Kicking My ass
And these demons won’t let me go,
Saying, you’re a friend now,
But, sooner or later, you’ll be a foe.
Making general comparisons,
Showing me all there is to fear,
My past won’t allow me to focus
On your beauty growing here.

And, baby, I have nothing, nothing but regrets,
Damn near three decades
And I still haven’t learned how to love yet,
As I search the crevices of my mind,
Wondering why all my relationships
Seem like I’m doing time,
And it’s only after I destroy the beauty
That I had with you
Where I stop and think, “Oh God! Déjà vu”

I’m tired…tired of all this hurting,
Perfect relationship, six months later, it ain’t working!
Then you tell me that love conquers all,
But it was the abuse of love that built these walls,
So no longer do I give my all.
‘Cause when you step, I have nothing left.
Forget what you’ve been told,
Emotionally, I’m cold
There are only burnt bridges to my soul.

So even though you feel so right
And you make me feel so whole,
To get you out of my life is the subconscious goal.
Yeah, you make me feel complete,
When I’m with you
The world becomes an oyster at my feet.
But my past keeps looking for deceit
Telling me sooner or later, you’ll creep,
Sooner or later you’ll trample my heart under your feet.
So in fear, I retreat without being discreet,
And once again, my life becomes bittersweet!

My Past Keeps Kicking My Ass
And, baby, it ain’t fair to you
Wondering where we went wrong;
You ain’t got a clue,
Because I keep feeding you
From a past menu
Residue of old rendezvous,
That I can’t seem to undo.
And there’s only so much that you can deal with,
It’s just a matter of time before you get tired
Of my bullshit!
You gave me love and I abused it,
But this destiny, baby, I didn’t choose it.
I hope you find the courage to forgive me,
I swear, my intentions were not to hurt thee.
My actions, I cannot condone,
And it seems like I’m destined to be alone.
At least that what you said before you slammed the phone!
You told me that my relationships will never last,
Until I find a way
TO KICK MY PAST IN THE ASS!

copy written by Kirk Nugent Unlimited June, 1999

All rights reserved.

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